


Mission Accomplished

by Zetal (Rodinia)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-30
Updated: 2015-11-30
Packaged: 2018-05-04 03:32:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5318834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rodinia/pseuds/Zetal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean talks Sam into coming to a bar with him and Cas.  Before they go, he gives Cas some instructions.  Sam isn't happy when he finds out, but ends up liking the result anyway.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mission Accomplished

Sam was already deeply regretting letting Dean talk him into this. He was still on his first beer, while Dean was on his fourth. Cas was on his fourth, too, to be fair, but then again, alcohol didn’t affect angels anywhere near as quickly as it did humans. Unfortunately, even sober, it wasn’t hard to get him under Dean’s influence.

“What about her, Sammy?” Dean pointed out a tall woman with long black hair.

“She’s hot and drunk. Perfect for you.” Sam took a sip of his beer and tried again to get through to his brother. “Dean, I’m really not…”

“What makes one human more attractive than another?” Castiel interrupted to ask.

Dean was already looking around the room again, so Sam tried to answer. “It’s different for everyone. If you ask ten humans what they find attractive, you’ll probably get ten different answers. Although there’s usually some overlap. For example, Dean and I both like dark hair, but I like tall women and Dean prefers average height.”

“I see. So the woman Dean pointed out is more attractive to you than him?” Castiel said.

“Well, it… it doesn’t quite necessarily work like that, it’s more like guidelines than rules. Aside from being tall, Jess didn’t really hit any of the things I usually like, but she was Jess. So she was attractive.” Sam could see the look of confusion deepening on Castiel’s face. “Dean, why aren’t you helping here?”

“You kidding me? This is the blind leading the eyeless, it’s hilarious,” Dean said. Sam just glared. “All right, fine. Cas, I could make a long list of things I find attractive, but it’s not like a checklist and whoever ticks the most boxes is the hottest person in the room. If it were that easy, hottest person here to me is that chick at the bar with the red tank top, and for Sammy…” Dean looked around the room, then shot Sam a look that clearly communicated hey, you asked for my help, and you know I’m right, so you don’t get to get mad here. “For Sammy, the closest to the checklist is actually you. Thankfully, that’s not how it works.”

“But I’m not female,” Cas protested. “Nor do I appear to be.”

“No, but that’s a lot more important to some people than to others, I don’t really care,” Sam said, shooting Dean a poisonous glare. “Anyway, who is the hottest person here, Dean?”

“See the red curls?” Sam looked, and sure enough, he couldn’t disagree that she was hot. “In fact, I’m gonna go see what I can make happen, see ya. Cas, don’t let Sam overthink this, he’s perfectly capable of finding a girl and getting laid. And he seriously needs to.”

“I’m not overthinking anything,” Sam said as soon as Dean was gone. “I just think there’s more to life than sex.”

“Dean says you are easier to deal with when you’re getting laid at least semi-regularly,” Castiel said.

“How the hell would he even know?” Sam said, mild irritation changing to full-blown anger. “I had sex, like, twice in high school, and with Jess and Madison, their deaths have to cancel out any good the sex did. That just leaves _Ruby_ , and he may remember things differently than I do, but the way I remember it we weren’t getting along very well.”

“That was partly my fault, and I’m sorry,” Castiel said. “So who is the hottest person in the room to you?”

“Well…” Part of Sam wanted to lie, but he was trying not to do that anymore. Not to the people who mattered to him. It had never worked out well. “Honestly, you are. Leaving you aside, the woman in the red tank top Dean pointed out earlier, I guess.”

“You find me attractive?” Castiel said.

Of course the angel wouldn’t just let that pass. “Yeah. But, uh, you don’t…”

Castiel looked rather pleased with the information, though. “That makes Dean’s instructions much easier to follow, then.”

“Huh?” Oh god. Dean had given Castiel instructions? That couldn’t be anything good.

“I rebelled against commanders whose orders don’t make sense, not against orders that I just don’t want to follow,” Castiel said, which didn’t help.

Sam resisted the urge to facepalm. He and Dean were going to have a nice long discussion about how one treats their angelic friends in the very near future. “You know you don’t have to do everything Dean says, right?”

“If I can come up with a good reason not to, I don’t,” Castiel said. “In this case, the only reason I can come up with is that I didn’t want to.”

Morbid curiosity chose now to strike. “What exactly were you instructed to do?”

“Dean instructed me to ‘make sure Sammy leaves with a hot babe so he can get laid,’” Castiel said. Sam knew that Castiel was going to do it, too, because Dean told him to.

“I’m going to kill him,” Sam said with his face buried in his hands. “It’s bad enough when he gets like this, why does he have to drag you into it?”

“Because he believes that you deserve to be loved, and given the difficulty of finding a long-term partner with your life, this is an acceptable substitute,” Castiel said. “He brought me in because I’m far less likely to leave you for a hookup of my own.”

Sam groaned. “Dean’s an idiot. If I want to hook up, I am perfectly capable of finding someone. You don’t have to…”

“Maybe not, but I agree with Dean’s motive, if not his methods. And it won’t be difficult now,” Castiel said.

“How’s it easier now?” If that red tank top turned out to be an old angel friend of Cas’s…

The last thing Sam would have expected is what Castiel said. “Apparently, I qualify as a hot babe. So if I leave with you…”

Sam was incredibly grateful he hadn’t moved his face away from his hands. “I’m pretty sure that’s not what Dean meant.”

“Then he should have clarified,” Castiel said. “He failed to do so.”

Sam’s common sense put up a valiant fight, but in the end, curiosity won out. “What about the part about getting laid?”

Castiel shrugged. “My responsibility ends with ensuring you have the opportunity. Whether you choose to take it is up to you.”

“No, I mean…” Sam trailed off as his brain started catching up to his mouth. “Never mind.”

“Dean once again failed to specify that the opportunity had to be with the person you left with, and he’s well aware of the fact that I often don’t pick up on what he leaves unsaid. So I could argue as long as I give you the opportunity to choose someone else, I’ve fulfilled the order even if you choose to leave with me.”

Sam finally picked up his head as he burst into laughter. “Dean is going to say I’m a terrible influence on you. That is the best lawyer speak I have ever heard.”

“Or, I could take the much simpler route of saying that if he doesn’t like who you had the opportunity with, he should have either specified or stuck around to supervise or do it himself,” Castiel continued.

“Wha…” Sam stopped laughing, staring at Castiel in shock. Castiel, naturally, showed no signs of this being a joke. From what Sam could tell, the angel was completely serious. “What happens if I take you literally here and decide to take that opportunity?”

“Then I’ve fulfilled Dean’s secondary objective of getting myself laid as well, and I don’t have to watch you leave with someone else,” Castiel said. “If you don’t, well, I still don’t have to watch you leave with someone else. And I have a very good reason why Dean doesn’t get to order me to get laid.”

Clearly, Sam’s brain was not processing this right. “What?”

“If you’re getting laid, I would prefer it to be by me,” Castiel said, still completely serious. “Though I am aware it’s not my preference that matters.”

“You… want to…?” Sam couldn’t quite finish the sentence. Cas seemed to understand anyway.

“What I want is for you to come to me any time you’re looking for sex, or love for that matter.”

Well, that was pretty impossible for Sam to twist into meaning anything but Cas was interested in him. “And yet, you were going to sit here and help me pick up some random woman because Dean told you to.”

“The point is for you to be happy,” Castiel said.

“Remind me…” Sam looked over at Dean and the redhead. “Actually, text Dean, tell him mission accomplished.”

“But you’re still here,” Cas said.

“Exactly. He can watch us walk out together,” Sam said.

Castiel didn’t move. “Is this to get back at Dean?”

“Making him watch, yeah. Leaving with you, no,” Sam said, reaching out and taking Castiel’s hand. “That’s about getting you back to the room so we both get what we want.”

“Sam?”

“There’s only one person here I wanna leave with, and that’s you. Guess this is what happens when I don’t lie to people I love,” Sam said with a soft smile.

 

Across the room, Dean looked at his phone when the incoming text alert went off. He looked toward the table he’d left his brother at, then the door. Just in time to see Sam walking out with his arm around Castiel’s waist. He let out a smirk. Mission accomplished, indeed.

**Author's Note:**

> I know this was inspired by something, but since I wrote it six months ago, I can't remember what it was. Probably PosingAsMe.
> 
> Every time you comment, an angel gets its wings!


End file.
